The Miracle of Life:Rescrewed, Renewed, Remastered
by Topaz989
Summary: Originally posted in 1999, this classic story of Link's attempt to find out where babies come from and have one of his own, has gotten a major Botox injection. One of the first controversial Zelda stories on
1. Pt 1:The Merry Adventure of little Link

  


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Author Thoughts**  
  
_I've been writing for over six years now. I started back when I was in early high school, and I'm currently attending college at Ball State. I was never really good at grammar or writing, scholastic-wise. So I focus more on plot, rather than grammar rules.  
  
This story was written about 1999, back when Zelda fan fiction was at its prime. (I'm not saying that stories were better, they were just more plentiful and there were about 10x the amount of Zelda fan fiction sites than there are today) The first time I wrote it, we (me and my sister) only had Notepad on our computer. Thus any errors would not be caught and it would take forever just to spell check it by hand.  
  
This was the second fan fic I ever published. My first was "The One Wish Giver" (which I'll attempt to revamp after completing the next part of the current mind-fuck: "Poes and Roes") It was written to make fun of how little children are told about "you-know-what" as well as throwing Link into a bizarre situation. What makes the story more ironic is the fact that all the taboo body parts like penis or vagina are never once said. One thing nobody ever caught on was the title. It was a play on words to the movie Monty Python's The Meaning of Life.  
  
Anyway, I hold this story very close to my heart. Back then, it was considered controversial because it was the only story on Zelda fanfiction.net to come close to light hentai(. Needless to say, a lot of sites wouldn't even put it up unless I edited it. If I didn't edit it, they did it themselves. This wasn't the only time were I had trouble putting up a story. Caucasian Elves Don't Speak had one chapter where I made fun of Tingle as being gay, and got quite a backlash. I was a little annoyed considering that Comedy Central airs this stuff all the time.  
  
I'm a little saddened about the upcoming Zelda game shown at E3 2004. Its not that it looks bad; it just means I can't write Link-the-naïve-teenager- who-grew-up-too-soon type of stories without referring back to the N64 days. Those are fun. Link is a real fun character to write about, if you accept him as a child in an adult body. But that's just my opinion.  
  
After about five years, the story finally gets a nice make over. Sure it's been rewritten before, but that was to just get rid of typos (remember, I originally wrote this on Notepad). I've included the true versions of the Gerudo, Young Malon, and Sheik parts. Again, these parts were severely altered due to the first round of readers protesting at how raw they were. But then again, I strapped a PG rating on it the first time so :p. Only the Gerudo part was cut out because it felt like extra baggage to the story. Now that I look at it, I really wished I never cut it out because it ends the story with a beautiful message.  
  
Next, much like the transition from N64 to Gamecube, I gave the story a graphical update. The writing has more description and at some parts, better dialogue with easier transitions, and wider atmosphere. Some parts I left alone because they are just too classical to mess around with.  
  
**The Legend of Zelda: The Miracle of Life v2.0** _

_Originally Written: 1999 _

_Rewritten: June 2, 2004- June 6, 2004  
_  
**PROLOGUE**

It was a new day.  
  
The birds were chirping their usual songs while squirrels were out gathering nuts. The sun rose high into the air. Kokiri children were busy either playing or finishing the daily chores that were required for their race to survive.  
  
Most of them at least...  
  
"Link, wake up!!" shouted Navi as she pushed against the side of his left dimple over and over to arouse her snoring partner. She quickly fluttered to the other side when the attack of the killer drool began to drip on the side of his mouth.  
  
Link popped his lips like a gigantic Zoran guppy sinking deeper into the sea of sheets on top of him. "yawnwake me up when my eyelids have the strength to rise," he said as he placed his gigantic feather pillow over his head.  
  
"Link, c'mon, we don't have to go through this every day..." she said right before he whacked her out of the air. Navi slammed against an old dusty picture book, leaving her imprint on the cover. She clenched her fists and grit her teeth as her eyes wickedly flashed back at him.  
  
"Grrrrrrrr! I HOPE YOU DIE OF ASPHFIXIATION!" she growled as she flew outside.  
  
Link merely snuggled against his warm and toasty marshmallow. A wide grin of victory curled around his devilish face.  
  
Ten minutes past since the incident. A small shady figure hunched at the entrance of Link's door. He giggled wickedly as his spaghetti arms dragged a large bucket. With each tug, the water splashed back and forth onto the wooden deck of Link's floor.  
  
"Hey!" he shouted.  
  
"mmmm, Navi, quit pointing out the obvious... of COURSE I know how to open a door..."  
  
The figure heaved the bucket with all his might onto of Link, causing him to snap forward. A pair of Hanes underwear stuck to the side of his face.  
  
"Hey dork, you forgot your laundry down by the river!" shouted Mido as he peeled the undergarment from Link's other eye.  
  
Link frowned as he tossed his covers to the side. "They were soaking..." he muttered back.  
  
Mido chuckled as he placed his hands on his hips. Link groaned. He knew anytime when Mido did that, it always meant that he was going to be punished.  
  
"Oh Link... Link, Link, Link... what EVER am I going to do with you? Do you NOT understand... we the Kokiri cannot have clothes or buckets laying around... by doing so... you were littering in the VERY water that we drink, cook and bathe in..."  
  
"WHAT!?!"  
  
Mido nodded his head. "Indeed! Link... do you want to KILL the Kokiri, just like you KILLED the Deku Tree?"  
  
Link shook his head no as his eyes were fixated on his leader.  
  
"Do you want to KILL this forest and every faerie, skullkid, and creature that resides in it?"  
  
Link shook his head again.  
  
"Well then..." Mido walked out the door and pulled out a gigantic basket of green Kokiri clothing. "For your disastrous deed of attempting to KILL the forest by polluting the forest, and thus placing everything in DIRE TROUBLE...  
  
... I want my laundry to be washed, dried and pressed by Friday. You are to avoid bleach at all costs, due to it giving me hives. My knickerbockers should all be labeled with a black permanent marker in Times New Roman 12pt. Should you fail your punishment, choose not to accept it, or try to cheat and use Fabreeze, I'm afraid I will have to throw you in the SkullKid's Old Tree Stump for a month."  
  
Mido closes his eyes and smiles with pride. He sucks in a nice breath of fresh air before doing an about-face. He strutted back to his house with his hands proudly on his waist.  
  
Link's face turned a dark red as his head drooped down. His body started huffing as Saria and Navi poked their heads through the door.  
  
She walked up to Link and gently placed her hand on his shoulder. She leaned closer and pulled some wet bangs from his eyes. "Link? Are you going to be okay?" she whispered as Navi handed her a blueberry-dyed towel.  
  
Link blew a burst of air through his nostrils like an enflamed bull. "I HATE MIDO! It seems like anything I do, he has an excuse to pick on me or punish me... or dump water filled with my socks while I'm trying to sleep... I just wish he would stop it... errr.... Why does he have to be the Kokiri leader? "  
  
"Well, that was the job that the Great Deku Tree chose for Mido. He is the leader, the Know-it-All Brothers were chosen to be the wise ones... me and most of the Kokiri are followers and you got the job of being the.... outsider." Saria cracked a tiny smile. Link was slightly insulted but took it to good heart.  
  
She walked over towards a drawer and pulled out a clean dry tunic. "You should go out for a walk. Do something to take your mind off Mido. Don't worry about your punishment. I'll go ahead and take care of it." She gave a slow wink to him as she placed the basket on her shoulder.  
  
He needed to step out for a while. Nothing placed him in a better mood than to travel around Hyrule. It was one thing that Mido couldn't do.  
  
"Yeah, that does sound like a good idea. Maybe I can go fishing or something?" he said as his damp feet hit the ground.  
  
Navi flew over to his shoulder and sat on it. "Link what about what Darunia said?"  
  
Link's face twisted in a half goofy, half dumbfounded look. He still had to find the rest of those gem thing-a-ma-jigs and stop whats-his-name.  
  
"Whoa, almost forgot about that. I guess I could try to find it."  
  
Saria began to exit the door. "I guess I'll get going then. Hopefully I'll see you later. Bye Link!"  
  
"Bye, Saria!" Link shouted back.

**CHAPTER 1- THE LITTLE BUNDLE OF JOY**

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_**There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. -Chinese Proverb**_

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_After cleaning up and hitching a ride in the back end of a Ford Pickup with some midget, three-toed jugglers from Rhode Island, our hero decides to go and fetch some supplies in the Marketplace at Hyrule Town.  
_  
The day at the Market was its usual busy self. The locals were busy buying their daily bread and the wee ones were playing near the fountain. Link was busy purchasing a refill of low-carb red potion when he heard it.  
  
"HEY COME BACK WITH MY RUPEES! GUARDS, GUARDS!!" A tall man with straight brown hair and a fetching scarlet red coat pleaded as he struggled to get up from the ground.  
  
Link turned around and saw a masked man running off with a bag of rupees followed by a couple of soldiers. Without hesitation, Link reached for his slingshot in his side pocket and aimed for the thief's knee caps. The masked bandit fell over and Link picked up the bag and handed it to the owner.  
  
The man picked up the heavy purse and placed it in a hidden sleeve under his jacket. "Thank you young lad, say what's your name?" said the grateful man.  
  
"It's Link, sir," he said as he shook hands with him. He smiled as he took a moment to examine the young lad's strange clothing. But he didn't care, he did give back his money after all.  
  
"Please to meet you, I am Lord Merddock. You look a little hungry, how would you like go to my house for dinner? Vera is cooking haggis and candied yams tonight," the Lord asked.  
  
Well, the thought of eating lamb organs in a boiled stomach didn't exactly thrill him, but when it came down to candied yams, he couldn't resist (who couldn't).  
  
They walked down the cobble-stoned path and headed into a modest brick home. Already Link could smell the scent of Peach Potpourri outside the door. The man pulled out a black key and opened the door.  
  
The room was covered with various trinkets like dried flowers; a small dish filled with black jellybeans, and oak furniture.  
  
"We're just in time, lad. Come on, help yourself," he spoke as he guided Link over toward the quaint candle-lit dining table that had various dishes on it. Link walked over to the corner and dumped his heavy equipment to the side. Although he had a fresh breakfast of Deku Apples back in the forest, the appearance of heavenly candied yams made his mouth water and his stomach emptier.  
  
Link enjoyed talking to the Lord. Turned out he was a hunter of rare Pokemon Pelts who enjoyed quiet nights of _The Sopranos_ and _Survivor_ when he's not working.  
  
Then Vera walked into the room with something he never saw before. In Vera's arms was a very small girl. She had some hair on her head but it was very thin. Link slid off his chair and walked towards it  
  
"What's that?" he asked.  
  
"This is my baby, her name is Rose," said Vera.  
  
Link walked up to the baby and touched it. He never felt skin this soft before. It was about eight months old and it was so adorable. Link's eyes widened as he felt a sense of gushing every time it cooed.  
  
"Can I hold it?" he asked.  
  
"Sure, why not, but be careful," said the Lord. Link reached his hands outs as the woman gently placed the baby in his arms. She than took his arms and showed him how to hold it correctly to provide it with as much comfort as possible. Link smiled as it began to giggle and started sticking its fingers in its mouth.  
  
"How much did you pay for it? I want one!"  
  
The couple had a surprised look on their face and started laughing.  
  
"Link, you don't exactly buy a baby when you want to," said Vera.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Well because....ummm...well you just can't," answered the Lord.  
  
"Then where did you get it from? Did you have to perform some sort of really hard quest like travel in a cave or..." asked Link.  
  
"Vera, come and get Link some more candied yams will you, honey?" mumbled Merddock as he attempted to hide any proof of giggles in his face.  
  
"Of course," Vera said as she pulled out another plate full.  
  
After dinner Link headed over to the Lord's guestroom to sleep for the night. He was still puzzled at that little baby as he pulled off his boots and started picking the lint in between his toes.  
  
"I wonder why they refuse to tell me how to get a baby?" he asked Navi.  
  
"I don't know, maybe they asked Nayru the goddess of Wisdom for a baby."  
  
"Hmmmmmm" he thought.  
  
That night Link sat down and drew the Triforce symbol on the floor with the red potion. He then shaded the bottom left triangle. He pulled out a couple of leaves that he found by Mido's tree. He rolled them up, lit the tips, and stuck them on various sticks..  
  
"Link, are you sure this will work," asked Navi.  
  
"Patience Navi, I saw Rauru do this when the Princess wanted a good harvest. All I have do is sit here and chant a bunch a crap," he replied sitting indian style, with a bunch of painted markings on his face smiling and talking as if he was one with the Earth.  
  
He looked like a medieval hippie.  
  
_After 20 minutes of chanting and burning the sticks._  
  
"This is boring" he said as he grabbed a handkerchief and wiped the paint off. "Navi, maybe this won't work after all. There has to be another way. I'M DETERMINED TO HAVE A BABY!"  
  
"Maybe Malon knows, we can visit her in the morning," she replied.  
  
"You're right! Malon's pretty smart and besides, she's lived in Hyrule longer. Plus she knows how to make miniature animals... why not Hylians?"  
  
"Well it's settled then, its best we go to bed now, hey Link why did you leave the mari-leaves smoking?"  
  
"I have no clue but for some reason it makes me happy and I feel so free," he said smiling.  
  
"Well, maybe you should put out the happy plants before you start a fire."  
  
_The following morning Link said his good-byes to the kind Lord, his wife Vera, and their baby Rose.  
_  
The lord smiled as he and his family watched the young child walk down the alley. He turned toward the door and sniffed for a moment.  
  
"Mmmm, honey, did you change the potpourri? It smells wonderful!" **CHAPTER 2-THE BIRDS AND THE SNAKES**

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_**Wine gives courage and makes men more apt for passion. -Ovid**_

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_Link headed straight for Lon Lon Ranch to talk to Malon. It took around a week to get there after hitch hiking with a narcoleptic milk man with a lazy eye, but he made it. Malon was on her break and was sitting in the middle of the goldenrod pasture while collecting flowers.  
_  
She looked up for a moment as Link dropped two blue rupees into the hand of the man. Malon stood up and approached. "Hi Link, what are you doing here?" she asked in her sweet, perky little voice.  
  
"Well I have a question to ask you. Where do babies come from?"  
  
"Oh E-V-E-R-YBODY knows that," she said with a lift of confidence.  
  
"What is it then?"  
  
"They come from a stork."  
  
Link blinked as he scratched his head. "What's a stork?"  
  
"It's a big bird that has white feathers and a BIGLONGBEAK!"  
  
Link was somewhat surprised by this information.  
  
"How can a bird get you a baby?"  
  
"It's easy; my daddy told me all about it. You see, he said that a boy and a girl have to want a baby first. So they get drunk, and they have to be next each other that night. The stork approaches the girl. First it lays an egg. Than it pulls out a snake. The snake attaches itself with the egg and the stork takes it's long beak to and sticks the egg and snake right inside her," she replied while taking her finger and pointed it straight up.  
  
Navi's eyes widened as she looked down and covered her crotch with her hands and knees.  
  
Link took two of his fingers and inserted them in his mouth. 

_After suffering a slight gag reflex..._

"WHOA, wouldn't that hurt?" he mumbled as he coughed a bit.  
  
"Nah, Daddy said it feels pretty good," she said as she twirled her purple skirt for a moment.  
  
"Well, maybe I can have a baby. Maybe two...or even THREE!!" he said smiling.  
  
Malon giggled. "You can't have a baby, silly."  
  
"Whhhhhhy nnnnnnot," he whined.  
  
"Because men hunt the stork, so it only goes near girls because we think they are the most beautiful birds in Hyrule."  
  
"Awwwww, that's not fair." He crossed his arms and slumped down a little bit.  
  
"Its okay Link, HEY I GOT AN IDEA!" commented Malon.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"We could ask the stork for a baby, and we could share it."  
  
"COOL, what do we do first?" he shouted as he leaped into the air with wide eyes gleaming.  
  
"Well like I said we have to get drunk."  
  
"But where are we going to get that much ale at?"  
  
"Hmmmm, that's a toughy, wait I got it! All we have to do is do what the Greeks do."  
  
"Which is?"  
  
"We get a bathtub and a bunch of grapes and use that as are way of getting drunk."  
  
_Fifteen minutes later..._  
  
"Link, we have about a quart... do you think..."  
  
Link shook his head in disgust. "That's only like two glasses for each of us..."  
  
_One hour passes...  
_  
"Link? How about this? It's like two quarts for..."  
  
"No, I don't think so. I've eaten a whole basket full of grapes once and it didn't get me drunk. Let's make more."  
  
_Two hours of heavy stomping passed...  
_  
"Link, we're up to four gallons... what about now?"  
  
Link folds his arms. "Malon, we have to get drunk on the first try or else we are going to have to make more wine. I'd say another four gallons should do it."  
  
_Three hours..._  
  
Link scratches his chin. "Hmmm..."  
  
Malon turned towards him. "We better create more just to be on the safe side..."  
  
_Four hours later..._  
  
"Malon, do you think this is enough grapes?" asked Link as he tipped the bathtub over and dumped another gallon into the bottle.  
  
"Hmmmm, yeah thirteen bottles of wine should be JUST enough to get us drunk, besides my feet are turning purple," she said as they both chugged down their homemade booze.  
  
_Twenty Minutes Later..._  
  
"Malooooon, whats we were doin earliayar?" Link said as he began to giggle like a school girl.  
  
"I doesn't no but its may bee impertants," she said as she swayed back and fort.

Navi, after gathering magic from the field, finds the drunken hero and the not-so-sober maiden.  
  
"LINK, MALON, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU... and why are your feet purple?" asked Navi.  
  
"Hee Hee Hee, itsa ball ef light hickupies dat a strok?" pointed Link as he struggles to walk on the wobbling ground.  
  
Malon glared at Navi with her neck extended a bit her eyes narrowed. "Hmmmmm, it gots wingz.....anda it fliez,....yep... itsa stork."  
  
"Letsus catch it and getz baby, then uz strok two make FRIED CHICKEN!!!" he said as he brandishes the Kokiri sword and charges like a three legged bull that was hit with a tranquilizer. Soon the intoxicated duo was out chasing the little fairy from fence east to fence west.  
  
"LINK, I'M NO STORK, I'M YOUR PARTNER NAVI, STOP I....huh?"  
  
Navi stopped her statement when she realized Link tripped, fell, and was fast asleep, along with Malon by his side. Ingo almost busted a gut throughout the chase.  
  
"Wah ha ha, I can't believe that those two got drunk over 13 gallons of grape juice," Ingo said to Navi.  
  
"What will happen to Link, will he be like this.....FOREVER?"  
  
"Nah, he'll simple wake up with a bad headache and forget the little chase ever started."  
  
The following morning....  
  
"Owwww, my head," said Malon as she clenched her temples.  
  
"Did the stork come yet?" asked Link as he rubbed his eyes.  
  
"I don't know; I'll check to see if the stork shoved its beak in me." Malon lifted her shirt and exposed her belly button. Link poked it, raised his head and shook it. Malon opened her mouth while Link peaked inside it. Again he shakes his head. Malon then reaches under and pulls off her pink panties. Just before Link was about to check underneath, Malon gave a funny look. "WHAT IS IT? DID YOU FEEL AN EGG BUMP IN SIDE YOU?" asked Link as he was inches from turning this story into a pedophile fantasy.  
  
"I feel something... it feels kind've warm and..." Malon rushes past him and straight into the outhouse. Link runs after her and knocks on the door.  
  
"Anything wrong?"  
  
"I'm fine Link, but I REALLY haf'ta pee. I'll be here for a while, if you are wondering, I don't see any beak marks."  
  
"Darn. Hey Malon, do you want to try again?" asked Link.  
  
"I can't, I have to do my chores today, maybe later on in the week. You can go ahead and leave, I won't mind."  
  
"Yeah.....I gotta go find a stone, hey...hold on a sec, do you think storks live at Lake Hylia?" he asked as he leaned against the door.  
  
"I don't know, why don't you go there and check it out?"  
  
"I'll do that, well bye." Link walked away from the wooden shack as he turned to find his sword planted straight down into the ground. "How did this get here?"  
  
_And with that Link and Navi headed out toward the Zora Domain. He knew it would cut months off of the trip there. After two weeks of walking, he reached the Zora River. He approached the waterfall that hid the cave of the Zora race. Link pulled out his Fairy Ocarina and began playing Zelda's lullaby. The rushing waters soon calmed down to a small trickle and he entered without hesitation._

**CHAPTER 3- THE MONTHLY CURSE**

**

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_What PMS stands for: _ **

_1. Pass my shotgun   
2. Psychotic mood shift  
3. Perpetual munching spree  
4. Puffy midsection  
5. People make me sick  
6. Provide me with sweets  
7. Pardon my sobbing  
8. Pimples may surface  
9. Pass my sweatpants  
10. Pissy mood syndrome  
11. Plainly: men suck  
12. Pack my stuff  
13. Permanent menstrual syndrome  
14. Problems men start  
15. Potential murder suspect_

_-Sarah Brown-Campello_

_

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_  
_Nothing changed since last time he visited. The Zoras were gathering fish; the King sat upon his throne, the slightly plump Ruto running towards him with open arms..._  
  
"Hi Link, did you miss me?" she said as she hugged him while snuggling her cheekbone against his. Link pushed her back. He looked over at her and realized his mistake, now she thinks he is flirting with her.  
  
"Ruto the only reason I'm here is to ask permission to use the passage way to Lake Hylia."  
  
"Okay.....but only if you take me with you!" she said.  
  
"What?!"  
  
Ruto ignores the surprised look as she placed her hands behind her back and knelt forward to his face. "Hmmmmm, okay, I'm sure you REEEALLY want to walk another three months to Lake....."  
  
"Okayfineyoucancomewithme," he said reluctantly.  
  
"I knew you would see it my way, but why do you want to go to Lake Hylia for?"  
  
"I'm going to have a baby with Malon," he said confidently.  
  
Ruto's jaw dropped. "Why would you want to have a baby with that slut?!"  
  
"Ummm she's a good friend, she's nice, _she's kinda pretty_...." Link replied as he started to blush while digging the top part of his right foot into the ground.  
  
"SO!!! I'm sure there is a better person suited for that task," she said while tilting her head like a supermodel.  
  
"Oh, you mean Zelda?" he asked.  
  
Ruto's face turned from aqua blue to a fiery red in seconds. "NO YOU IDIOT, ME!"  
  
"I dunno Ruto, besides I haven't found the stork yet. Plus, don't the stork eat fish?" he said.  
  
Ruto gave him a funny look. "Link, babies are not made from an outside stork."  
  
Link did a doubled- take." Then where do you get a baby at?"  
  
Ruto giggled. "Its easy, the girl has a miniature stork in her that's sleeping. If a guy does not reach up and wake up the stork, it cannot give the egg to the Mommy and the egg dies. The dead egg breaks inside the Mommy and makes her bleed. The process then starts over again in around 30 sunsets.  
  
"WHOA, that's kind of freaky. Hey wait a minute, how does a guy touch the egg? And why thirty sunsets?"  
  
"Uhhhhh....beats me. Dad always said it was thirty sunsets because that's how often adult Zoras shed their skin. Of course, Daddy also says that's when he's forced to lock every female in prison."  
  
"Hmmm, no wonder I never see any Zora girls here," spoke Navi as she turned all over the place.  
  
"What's wrong with them? Are they susceptible to disease when this happens, Ruto?"  
  
Ruto sat down on the water's edge, dipping her webbed feet into it. "I have no clue, one moment they are like totally nice to me... then they turn into... monsters. It's like there's a curse on them or something. And once I turn fourteen, I too will become a victim of the curse, and there's nothing I can do to stop it," she spoke somberly as a tear fell down her eye while staring above.  
  
_Now Link doesn't really like Ruto the way she liked him, but like all heroes, he doesn't like to see a girl cry_.  
  
Link walked over to a hidden corner and turned toward Navi. "Navi, we have to see if we can break this curse!" Link sharply hushed.  
  
Navi scratches her head. "I don't know Link, this sounds like something that only the goddesses can prevent."  
  
"But we have to try, come on. Let's head over to the Zora Prisons. I'm sure there's something we can do."  
  
Link rushed down a dark passageway. Navi floated behind unenthusiastically. "Why do I get the feeling that this is going to turn out like the time we tried to beat the Marathon Runner?"  
  
He slides into the shadow like a ninja of the night. His body hugs the wall while a passing Zora guard goes by. As soon as the walking flounder turned the corner he runs toward a single cell. A loud wailing echoed in the hall as Link pulled the handle and cracked open the door. He peaked inside its dark cold walls.  
  
Two sets of glowing red eyes glared wickedly back while a loud hissing followed.  
  
He jumped as he felt a small tapping on the back of his shoulder.  
  
"Link, what are you doing?" asked Ruto with the same guard behind her.  
  
Link shifted his eyes as his grip on the door loosened. "Ummmm... hey wait... how did you know I was here?" he replied in an attempt to dodge the question.  
  
"I saw you, and notified the Princess," spoke the guard as he pointed toward Navi.  
  
Navi grinned. "Oh yeah... I forgot I... glowed..."  
  
Link sighed as relaxed and leaned against the door pane.  
  
"ACK!" he gagged when a large tentacle grabbed him by the neck and plucked him inside. Navi then prompted forward into the room.  
  
Ruto attempted to follow as well but the guard quickly placed his finned arm in front of the princess. His head nodded as if he was unaware by the high pitched screaming of Link's voice.  
  
The violent sounds of loud banging boomed throughout the hallway as if he was being slammed back and forth against the walls before shooting straight out of the room. Eight more enormous tentacles flew out and snagged his foot, dragging him back in.  
  
"NAVI! CAN YOU...!"  
  
"Link... I don't see any weak spots..."  
  
"EEP!"  
  
**_Voosh!_** A burst of fire shoots out of the room as the guard pulled Ruto back. A small egg timer goes off behind the two and the guard walks over to the door. He takes the end of his sword and bangs on the bars.  
  
"Okay ladies, one week has passed. You are free to leave now," he spoke as two refined female Zoras walked out.  
  
"Merry Evening, Princess!" spoke one woman as she patted Ruto's head.  
  
Link was slowly escorted out of the room, as his hands jittered violently and his right eye twitched. The guard walked over, placed a blanket around him and sat him over on a bench. Ruto walks over and handed him fresh water.  
  
"Link? Are you going to be okay? You only blinked once since emerging out of that cell," asked Ruto as she rubbed his shoulder.  
  
_"I...I'm... so.... c-c-cold..."_ He shuddered as he took a deep gulp of water. Navi folded her arms and tossed her violet hair.  
  
"It's your own damn fault. If you would've done as I've said, you wouldn't be this shaken up. If I was the Hero and you were Faerie I..."  
  
Ruto pulled out a bottle and caught Navi right inside. The walls of the jar fogged into a cloudy film with Navi's cursing. Ruto hummed to herself as she screwed the lid on tightly.  
  
"Link, while you were heading to the cell, I thought of an idea. I think we should go to Kakoriko Village instead. There is a wise old solder that has seen the world. He should know where babies come from."  
  
Link smiled as he pulled off the blanket. "Okay, ummm, _do you want to come?_" he asked.  
  
She ran and hopped right into his arms and placing a peck on the cheek.  
  
"Do you have to ask?" she said as Link rolled his eyes and dropped her to the ground. 

**CHAPTER 4-WAR BETWEEN THE MATES**

* * *

_**Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around. -David Lodge**_

_

* * *

_  
_After four days aboard a passing PETA caravan, they finally made it. Kakoriko Village was a relatively small town with hardly anything to do; at least, when you compare it to the Marketplace back at Hyrule Castle._  
  
The quaint town had two distinguishable qualities, a: it was old-fashioned to the point where it had grassy streets instead of being paved and b: it was also unfinished. Several houses had no roof, a few no windows while a couple was so untouched that they had no walls at all.  
  
Time was one thing this town has. In the middle of one unfinished building was a crowd of kids their own age circled around a retired, old solder who was telling them stories about his glory days as one of the elite Royal Hylian Guards. Ruto and Link decided to listen to some to some of the stories. They walked over and sat in the outer-most ring of children.  
  
When he was done, the small group of children went off to play a few innings of stickball. Link and Ruto approached the old man as he pulled out some mari-leaves for his pipe. His face wrinkled he gave a sweet little smile. He turned toward the two children, curious at why they haven't left with the others.  
  
He lean his elbow against his thigh as he brought his head closer to them. "Well, hello young lad, what can I do for you and your pretty little girlfriend?"  
  
Ruto began to smile and blush from the little compliment. "We want to know where babies come from?"  
  
"Oh....well....ummm...say, want to hear a story about the time I captured a Pokemon?" he asked.  
  
"SURE!!!" replied Link as he sat indian style.  
  
"I was walking in the woods hunting quail when I saw this huge yellow mouse- like creature shooting lightning. Oddly enough, this was back before Pika- steaks were the main delicacy. Everyone wanted Squirtle Soup but...."  
  
But before he could finish Ruto rolled her eyes and interrupted him. "Look, I know you are trying to change the subject, so cut the crap and tell us what we want to know."  
  
The man leaned back into his chair as he took another puff of his pipe. Placing a pinky to the right of his lips, he thought of a good way to explain to the two little tots. "Okay, creating a baby is like...umm...give me a moment to think....FIGHTING A WAR!!!  
  
"REALLY, HOW!!!" Link and Ruto said wide-eye and at the same time.  
  
"Yeah, there are millions... no BILLIONS of troops that are deployed out of a transport with one mission, to take the castle. The transport has to enter a deep dark forbidden vestibule filled with bushes... and if you aren't lucky... tektites...  
  
The enemy tries to hold the troops back with clear force fields but once in a while the force field is down and they are free to march onward through the deep secluded swamp that floods every once in a while.  
  
But the battle is not over yet.  
  
They must brave through the acid-like environment, trudge through the tough barricades** IN HOPES THAT ONE MAY COME OUT VICTORIOUS AND REACH THE 'PROMISE LAND'!!!!!!"** he shouted as he rose out of his rocker.(sniff kinda brings a tear in your eye, doesn't it)  
  
Link had a funny look on him though. "SO WHO WON?"  
  
"Well, the good guys always seem to win," said Ruto.  
  
All of a sudden a little boy wearing a brown shirt and blue pants ran over to Link and Ruto.  
  
"Hey, would you two like to play a game of stickball, we need a third base man and an outfielder?" he asked.  
  
"Why not?" Link replied as he, Ruto, and Navi ran to the open field.  
  
_Well, after stickball Link, who sometimes had the memory of a goldfish, totally forgot about trying to find out where babies come from (for now). We all know about Link finding the stones, pulling the Master Sword out and falling into a deep sleep for about seven years and you already know that he had to find and awaken the other Sages so we will skip that part, save the author about twenty pages of writing, and move on to Big Link._


	2. Part 2: The Merry Adventure of BIG Link

**CHAPTER 5-My God, She's HUGE!!!**

* * *

_**I realize why women die in childbirth - it's preferable. -Sherry Glaser**_

* * *

Link entered Lon Lon Ranch. He hasn't been there for years. He looked over and standing there, in a french-tailored suit was....Ingo???  
  
_(You know, lets just skip this part that described about how he raced Ingo and won Epona)_  
  
All of a sudden a beautiful red-headed woman walked over towards him. Link stared at her and started to breath heavily.  
  
"Ma-Ma-_Malon_" he tried to say but his voice kind've cracked a bit.  
  
_(And now, we would like to switch this story, from comedy, into ridiculously romantic with a hint of lemon)  
_  
"Link... is that you?" she questioned, smiling. He shook his head as he pulled off his cap.  
  
"I knew I saw you somewhere, Fairy boy. Thank you _SO_ much for saving the ranch and Epona. I know you will take good care of her," she said in a warm voice. Her long dress flowed with the wind as she walked up to him. Her soft green eyes met his evening blues as she gave him a gentle hug pressing her small, slender body against his firm, lean muscles; the muscles of a well-practiced swordsman.  
  
She slowly kissed him on the cheek. Her soft lips felt wonderful as she unhurriedly pulled from his cheek. He could feel her gentle breath against his ear. It sent a small shiver in his head as the small blow cooled against his sweating temples. He turns his head down a little and sees the opening in her shirt. Revealing how well she developed while he slept. His hands slid from her waist to her back gently rubbing it while they sunk lower and lower. Other thoughts began to race through his head like reaching up and grasping Malon's...  
  
_(Ahhh screw it, I'm going back to writing this story as a silly fic)_

...but suddenly, for no apparent reason other than to create a plothole, Malon stepped back as if nothing happened and went to do her chores. Link stood there for a moment and looked down.  
  
"Navi?"  
  
"Yes Link?"  
  
"I think I'm allergic to Malon," he said as he looked down and there was a bulge in his tights.  
  
"Does it hurt?"  
  
"Not really, but it feels a little ridged," he answered as he attempted to adjust it to make it a little less noticeable. "Maybe I should put ice on it later?"  
  
"Well, we better go to the Spirit Temple now that we have the Silver Gauntlets. Maybe it will go limp after being away from Malon."  
  
"I hope so," he said as he got on Epona and rode to Gerudo Valley.  
  
It was good to know he made someone out there a little happier. He had just gotten back from a funeral. His friend, Lord Merddock's daughter, Rose had died from the Kakoriko Village fire.  
  
The day was almost over as Link and Epona rode towards Gerudo Valley. However, when Link got there, there was no bridge to cross.  
  
"Sorry girl, looks like you'll have to stay here," he said as he dismounted and fed Epona a carrot. "Navi, anyway of getting across?" asked Link as Navi flew around him.  
  
"There is a wooden sign over there, try using your Longshot."  
  
"Hmmm, I thought I didn't get the Longshot until after the Water Temple," Link said puzzling.  
  
"Shhhh, people don't need to know that."  
  
Link nodded as he pulled it out and pointed the Longshot. With a quick clench of his wrist, the mechanism shot out to the sign and he flew over to the other side. Link walked across the dry landscape.

It was quiet, too quiet and he didn't like it. He drew his Master Sword out. He saw something flash by him and disappear. He looked down and saw a fresh footprint and knew he wasn't alone. He turned the other direction. Then, he felt it.  
  
An arrow soared through the air and nailed him in his bicep. Link quickly pulled it out and sniffed the end."  
  
"Poison.....ugh," he muttered as he fell to the ground. He struggled for a moment, trying desperately to stay awake. A woman walked over slammed her gauntlet against the middle of his back, knocking him unconscious.  
  
His eyes slowly opened. The room was dark. Where was he? He coughed as he dusted the side of his face that was planted on the ground. He looked over to his side and noticed his arm. It swelled to a tender pink with black spots in it.  
  
"Navi.... Navi where are you?"  
  
"I'm right here, Link," she piped as she peaked right from the side of him.  
  
"Can you heal my arm before it gets infected?"  
  
"I'll try," she whispered as she turned a bright pink. She managed to take away the color but it was still swelling badly. "Sorry Link, this type of poison is too strong for me. I managed pull some but not all. I think that if they didn't kill you back outside, then I guess they wanted you to die a slow and painful death down here."

Link laid his head back down as he struggled to think of some sort of solution.

A rope suddenly dropped from above. It was Sheik!  
  
His blonde hair fluttered as the ninja flipped from the top of the entrance down to the prison below. He quickly pulled out a blue petal flower and a bowl. Quickly, he placed the plant inside and began to crush it. He than sprinkled it over the swollen limb. A minute later, it shrunk back down to its normal size.  
  
Link took a moment to flex and stretch it. Link looked over and was about to thank him when he noticed something.  
  
Sheik turned from side to side, wondering what he was staring at.  
  
"You're bleeding!" mumbled Link as he pointed towards his crotch.  
  
His eyes swelled to the size of dinner plates as he fought the urge not to slap Link. After all, he didn't want his identity to be revealed.  
  
All of a sudden Link pulled Sheik to the ground and grabbed a long piece of cloth. Sheik sweated as he began to breathe heavily._ "...don't tell him you are a girl... don't tell him you are a girl..."_ Sheik thought to himself. He gasped as Link brought out a knife.  
  
"Don't worry Sheik... I won't let you die... Navi's out of magic... all I have to do is apply some direct pressure and possibly a tourniquet and it should stop."  
  
_"...don't tell him you are a girl... the bleeding will stop and we'll be off on our separate ways..."_  
  
Link took his cloth and pressed against it. One of his eyebrows rose as he tapped it a few times. "Why is it so flat... OH GOD DON'T TELL ME IT GOT CUT OFF!"  
  
Sheik rolled his eyes. _"Don't tell him you are a girl... don't tell him you are a girl..."  
_  
Link brought his head about an inch away._ sniff sniff_ "Hmmm... it smells kind've weird... possibly infected... like dead fish..."  
  
**WHACK!** as he punched Link straight on. He fell back unconscious as the Sheikah rubbed his fist and proceeded to climb out. _"Now to go find a tampon..."  
_  
An hour later, Link sat up and rubbed his cheek. The rope was still left hanging for him to exit. Not surprisingly, when he reached the top, Sheik was gone. Link and Navi snuck out of the base and soon they were in the desert.  
  
"Hey Navi, why did Sheik act like that? I mean... normally he's all mysterious... and would just disappear..."  
  
Navi raised her arms and shrugged. "Maybe he wanted to have a little variety. The deku nut was getting a little old..."  
  
On the way Link went over to a local man on a flying carpet to buy some Bombchu. After following a Poe and traveling through a sand storm they made it to the Desert Colossus they heard some moaning and groaning. They headed straight towards it and saw a Gerudo laying down clutching her beach ball stomach.  
  
"What's wrong with her?" asked Navi to Link.  
  
"I don't know. Do you think it's contagious?"  
  
"Help me PLEASE!" she said as she groaned some more. Her black hair was matted against her face while she twisted rolled in agony.  
  
"What do I do?!" Link panicked.  
  
"Get a dish of water uggggghhh, HURRY!" Link ran to a nearby oasis. Using his shield, he lifted some water and carried it to the woman even though he had no clue what was going on.  
  
"Now stand over in front and help me." Link did that but had his eyes closed and his head turned away.  
  
"Why are you doing that?!" said the Gerudo. Link pointed downwards.  
  
"Because you are not wearing anything under that long shirt."  
  
"WELL DUH!" she shouted as her fist smashed a rock into dust.  
  
"And I want to respect your privacy..._ma'am_..." he replied as he placed his hands over his face.  
  
"I don't care, so you might as well get use to _uggghhh_ and tell me when you see something."  
  
Link slowly turns his head. He leaned over and placed his hand on his chin and watches and watches....still watching.... and basically watches some more.  
  
_Three hours and five coffee breaks later...._  
  
"LINK LOOK, WHAT'S THAT?!!" shouted Navi as a hand popped out.  
  
"MY GOD ITS A DEMON!!!" he said as he rose up and drew out the Master Sword.  
  
"PUT THAT DOWN YOU IDIOT!! IT IS NOT A DEMON, IT'S A BABY!"  
  
Link was shocked as he leaned in closer. "You mean the stork hatched the egg and the troops are coming out of that little hole?"  
  
The Gerudo gave him a sour look. "What the HELL are you talking about, don't you know where babies come from?!"

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_...a tumble weed bounces in the background..._

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"Ummmm... not really, I kind've skipped puberty."

The Gerudo smacked her face.  
  
The hand was still in its place, the baby was obviously stuck.  
  
"uggghh Rick or whatever your name is, take your fingers and help me get this baby OUT!!!!" she shrilled as she kicked her legs furiously.  
  
Link took off his gauntlets and tries to pull it out as gently as he could. His fingers felt as if they were covered in liquid meat and slime. Link was about ready to toss his lunch he had earlier but then all of a sudden he heard some crying. And there he was holding the miracle of life. His heart just melted as he smiled at it. Although a bit messier than the first time he held a baby, but the same softness and tender feel was still there. He handed it to the Gerudo who was sweating heavily from the labor.

Something else spilt out a moment later. Link turned down to see a small collapsed sack with a long thing connected to it. He picked it up, examinging carefully to ensure the snake was dead before tossing it aside.  
  
"Awwwww she is just soooo cute," complemented Navi as she held its finger.  
  
"What are you going to name it," asked Link as he gently rubbed the baby's cheeks.  
  
"Katalina," she said as she held the child.  
  
Link stayed there with the Gerudo and her child until morning.

* * *

_The sun rose as Link woke up._  
  
"Link look!" Pointed Navi. The mysterious Gerudo was gone. However, the baby was left behind with a blanket around it.

A small note written in bad hylian was etched into the sand:  
_Link, I do not wish to have nor wanted a child around. Please, dispose of it for me._  
  
Link felt cold for a moment. He walked over, picked up Katalina and sat on the ground. He held it gently against his body, imitating the way that woman held it last night. He gently stroked its back and patted it with great care as he struggled with so many questions that fluttered out of his mind.  
  
Why would anyone, go though trouble of making a baby and then asking for it to be thrown away like a piece of garbage? It just doesn't make sense to him. He's always believed that killing was wrong. He was always told that the best way to take care of thieves and murderers was to just capture them yet it was okay to eliminate something that has done nothing wrong.

Adults are strange people.   
  
"She doesn't want the baby..." he mumbled while looking down at its face. "That's all... as long as it's not with her... dispose can mean to discard... discard means to disown... so therefore... as long as its not with her...it doesn't mean I have to kill it..." he spoke, as he attempted to exploit the loophole in the message.  
  
Link rocked it at a slow even pace. He turned down towards it and brushed the thin hair out of its face. It dawned to him, like the burst of a sunrise's light. "...I... I... could take care of it..." He smiles briefly but it slowly fades as his shoulders slumped.  
  
"But... what do I do?" He never had a baby before. How do you feed it? How much time must be committed... "What do I do, when I'm gone? What do I do if I'm REALLY gone?" he murmured as thoughts of being away from home for weeks occurred.  
  
Who will be there for her if he was killed in battle? He was lucky to be here. Otherwise Katalina may have slept here by herself. Death has a habit of showing up at awful times. He needs someone... or someones to be there for her all the time. Suddenly, an idea popped into his head.  
  
The baby clenched his finger tightly and began to bury its head into his chest.  
  
It then turned its head toward him with its mouth wide open. "I guess you're hungry huh?" he whispered as he looked its mouth. "But you don't have any teeth, do you? All I have with me are dried jerky. You'd probably choke on it. Hell, I choke on it plenty of times."  
  
Link stood up and walked over towards a coconut tree near the oasis. Holding Katalina in one hand, he reaches back for his Longshot and aims it at a coconut. The hook slams close to it causing it to fall to the ground. Using one of his small daggers, he jabs a hole into it. He brings the hole close to the baby's mouth but it kept turning its head back and forth.  
  
Link sighed as he attempted to think of a solution to the problem. It felt like he was solving dungeon puzzle. He then took the coconut and poured some in one of his hands, cupping a small amount. He then made a fist, carefully not to spill the contents, but enough to seal it within. He then brought his fist close to its mouth and with subtle movements of the pinky; he drops it into her mouth while the rest of his hand clenched back and forth to squeeze it out. It was a tedious task, that took a while, but Link knew he had to feed her before they left.  
  
Little did he know that four Gerudos have learned of his arrival at the Sand Goddess Shrine. They watched and examined the scene. Most of his weapons were a good distance away. His back was turned. His guard was down. There was never a more perfect time to kill.  
  
But just as one of the Gerudos raised her bow for a good clean headshot with her poison arrow, the leader turned and lowered her weapon.  
  
"Don't... _we need more men like that in the world_."  
  
They watched as Link pulled off his belt and loosely attached it over his shoulder and crisscrossing his sword strap. He reached back and loosened his sword strap as well. He then picked up the baby girl and slid her right underneath, so that the straps supported her and her blanket cushioned her body.  
  
Link placed the rest of his weapons behind his back and proceeded to walk out of the desert and back to Kakoriko Village.  
  
The trip was long and hard with the child. Until he reached Epona, it was a three day journey that turned into a two week walk. He learned a variety of things along the way. He kept her as clean as he could with what little water was available on the way. He would go and find fruit to smash with his hands and feed her. When the sun was hot he would take far more breaks under the shade than he normally would.  
  
Link barely slept during that time. He was in Gerudo Valley after all. His eyes were red as he constantly was on the look out of harming the child whether human or beast.  
  
By the time he had reached the wooden bridge, his eyes were strained, and he was hungry and weak from the lack of nutrition he received. It all went to her with only the minimal to keep him alive. But Link continued to hold the child close. The sound of its cooing was enough to keep him going. For the first time in his life, he was living for someone other then himself. This was one quest that he can't afford to fail.  
  
He finally reached the Kakoriko Village a day later. Link took a moment to rub its back. It was time to say goodbye. He knocked on a door, placed the baby at the doorstep, ran and hid. A slightly grey haired Lord Merddock and Vera, still in their night clothes, looked down and let out a gasp.  
  
"Honey, it's a baby, oh isn't it just darling!" Vera commented as they read the note Link attached that had its name on it.  
  
Link smiled, he really would like having maybe a son or daughter to teach them all his moves but he knew he can't worry about children now. Besides, there was so much to see and do. He had no time to have a child around him. Precious work must be completed first. Besides, it was too dangerous, even his friends are endangered for knowing him.  
  
Maybe someday, when Hyrule is safe and he decides to settle down.  
  
Although he would have to find someone first, who was willing to tell him how it's done.  
  
**The End**

* * *

_**Adoption is when a child grew in its mommy's heart instead of her tummy**__**- Anonymous**_

* * *


	3. disregard this part

sigh well, time to try again. This story is still not going up. I contacted fanfiction.net, they still haven't replied.

So, lets try this again.


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